Reviving the lost art of good manners
Teaching etiquette in an age of e-mails and texting
BY KATHY HALL
Correspondent

For etiquette expert Laurajane Wikoff, good manners are more than knowing the proper use of a dinner napkin.

They are an antidote to the stresses of today's hectic, computer-focused lifestyle and a crucial component of social, interpersonal and business success.

"We are a very rude culture because we are very fast," explained the Little Silver resident. "Today kids are on computers all the time; they have no interaction with humans. You go to a bank and interact with a machine. People don't say 'excuse me' or 'thank you.' They don't look at you when they shake your hand. 'You're welcome' doesn't exist anymore."

"I learned by watching. I knew all my manners because I was always with people. We are trying to bring back the way it was and the way it should be."

On a mission to foster civility in social interaction, Wikoff has founded the Etiquette School of the Northeast and is taking her message to settings ranging from classrooms to corporate offices. For more about her efforts, visit www.etiquettesne.com.

E-mails have played a big part in the decline of civility, especially in corporate culture, according to Wikoff. One aspect of good manners that she would like to bring back is the hand-written note.

"I believe there is a need for e-mail to do a quick response, but I also believe we need to bring back the human contact."

Wikoff especially encourages hand-written thank-you notes.

"A thank you should only be four sentences," she said, adding that it takes only five minutes to do and makes a lasting impression.

According to Wikoff, knowledge of etiquette enhances self-esteem and provides necessary life skills.

"Having self-confidence is part of having manners; if you have self-confidence you will look that person in the eye when you shake their hand," she said.

"Good manners show that you care about the other person," she explained. "When you learn etiquette, you learn respect for others. You aren't such an 'I' person."

Good manners can even lead to better marriages, she said.

By setting forth the standards of acceptable behavior, etiquette is also beneficial in social and business situations.

"If you are eating out and you are not eating properly, you are at a disadvantage," Wikoff noted.

Corporations are becoming more alert to the nuances of behavior and realize that breaches of etiquette can make or break a deal. There is a whole field of etiquette dealing with international etiquette and the customs of different countries.

"If you are on their soil, do what they do," Wikoff advises. "In some cultures people hug. If you don't want to do that, it becomes an insult."

Prior to founding the Etiquette School of the Northeast, Wikoff worked in what her Web site describes as the "business solutions" industry for 25 years. During that time she noticed a decline in civility both in others and in herself.

"I was losing all my sense of value, becoming too fast-paced and rude," she explained. "All of a sudden I said, 'Who are you?'"

Wikoff retired and took some time to be a grandmother. Focusing on family calmed her down, but she didn't escape rudeness.

"While I was playing with my grandson, I realized that not one child was saying 'please' and 'thank you.' That's what got me started," she said.

She attended the American School of Protocol in Atlanta and became a Certified Etiquette Consultant but she still refers to Emily Post in matters of etiquette

"We still use her books. She is the best," Wikoff said, adding that the etiquette of formal dining is basically the same as it was in the 1800s except the amount of silverware has been simplified.

Wikoff would like to encourage families to make dinnertime a more social occasion

"A lot of kids have after-school activities, so you need to accommodate that," she acknowledged, "but they have to eat. I'm not saying every day, but just a couple of days a week tell your kids that we are going to eat at the table. Make them a part of it, talk to them about your day.'"

Once children have had a civilized dining experience at home, Wikoff suggests taking them to a nice restaurant.

Proper restaurant behavior can be taught at home and is crucial to making eating out a pleasant experience for all concerned.

"If they are yelling and screaming at home, they will do that in a restaurant," Wikoff warned.

Wikoff's newly established etiquette school offers classes for pre-k through college-age young adults, along with adult courses on business etiquette and international social skills.

While she already has one corporate client, she is concentrating primarily on classes for children and says that is sometimes the way to instill the basics of proper behavior for the family.

"I do a class for the children on learning how to eat," she said, "so they could bring [the skills] home."

She recently taught proper table manners as well as the effects of bullying and cliques to children at St. Leo's School in Lincroft and helped prepare 3- and 4-year-olds at the Early Years School in Little Silver for the Mother's Day Tea.

Wikoff taught the children the proper way to introduce their teachers to their mothers and the four uses of the napkin. [They are: put it in your lap to start the meal, use it as a crumb catcher, use it to wipe your mouth, fold it and place it back on the table to end the meal.]

Wikoff would love to expand her program to other cities and other states and plans on seeking funding so she can offer scholarships to inner-city schoolchildren to help them gain the advantages good etiquette can provide.

"I will also go into a school and do an after-school class on my own. That's how strongly I feel the need for it," she said.

Wikoff acknowledges that proper etiquette and dining skills may seem a lost art to some, but it doesn't dampen her enthusiasm or her belief in their value.

"I might be looking at life through rose-colored glasses," she admitted, but [etiquette] is a passion - I just love it."