Parents will light candles to remember children Sayreville couple, Spotswood group among those participating BY MICHAEL ACKER Staff Writer SAYREVILLE - Parents around the world will light a candle this weekend for their children who have passed away. Elizabeth and Victor Dubinin are among the couples who will participate in this remembrance. Their Sayreville home is adorned with pictures of their 19-yearold daughter, Sara, who died in a car accident on Karcher Street in September. Sara, a graduate of Cardinal McCarrick High School, South Amboy, was living with her parents as she studied at Middlesex County College, Edison, and worked as a hostess at the Colonial Diner, East Brunswick. Her friends and loved ones remember her as a caring person with a beautiful smile. Elizabeth and Victor visit their daughter's grave at the New Calvary Cemetery in Parlin three times a day. "It's all we do," Victor Dubinin said. The couple will participate in the candle lighting ceremony privately at their Wilbur Terrace home Sunday. Also in the area, the Spotswood chapter of Compassionate Friends, a nonprofit organization, will hold a candle-lighting event Sunday at St. Peter's Episcopal Church, Main Street, where approximately 50 parents are expected to meet. The parents will then go home and relight their candles at 7 p.m. to create a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Compassionate Friends organizes candle lighting ceremonies annually worldwide and helps bereaved family members find support. It has a chapter in every state as well as in 30 countries around the world, according to its Web site. Its mission is "to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age and to provide information to help others be supportive." Susan Herzig, of Old Bridge, is the chapter leader and facilitator for the support group that meets at St. Peter's Episcopal Church. She lost both her sons - 19-year-old David, on March 24, 1997, and 24-year-old Michael, on Aug. 29, 2005 - due to genetic disorders. David studied accounting at Middlesex County College, Herzig said. Michael loved comic books and e-mailing his friends on the Internet. Herzig joined Compassionate Friends within a year of the death of her first son, David. She noted that some members continue to seek support with the group decades after their children have passed away. "The candle lighting was the first meeting I went to in December of '97," Herzig said. "It helps you to know, specifically, that you are not alone, in that other people have gone through it and survived." "It helps you to understand that you are not losing your mind," Herzig added. "The first year after you lose your child, you can't think. You can't concentrate. Your mind doesn't function well. When you can talk to other parents and they say the same thing, you know it is normal." Those who know parents who have lost a child can help by understanding that it takes a great deal of time to grieve, Herzig said. "Just understand that it takes years to get over the death of a child," Herzig said. "Bereaved parents get a lot of pressure to get better quicker, and that is not reasonable." Parents in these situations often doubt they will get better, Herzig said, but they see improvement with time. "Friends and family tend to think that they said everything they can, but we need their support more than we ever did before," Herzig said. "Just don't give up on us, and give us time. We will get better." Elizabeth Dubinin said Herzig sent her a letter after learning about Sara. "She is wonderful," Elizabeth said of Herzig. "She helps us through some things." Elizabeth said she and her husband have a large extended family, as well as friends and neighbors who have been supportive. "Sayreville has been wonderful to us, really," Elizabeth said. "It's just a small town, I guess, and they opened their hearts to us." Elizabeth Dubinin retired from work as a tutor at a private center in Jersey City in 2006. She said her husband has not been able to return to work since the accident. "We still think this is a bad dream that we are going to wake up from," she said. Elizabeth said her heart goes out to other parents who are experiencing the pain of losing a child. "When I read about other accidents, my heart breaks for those people," she said. "The more people who light candles for these children, the better," Elizabeth added. The candle lighting event at St. Peter's Episcopal Church, 505 Main St., Spotswood, is scheduled for 2 p.m. Sunday. For more information, call Susan Herzig at (732) 690-6673 or visit http://www.compassionatefriends. org.